Judging the 17 People in the Coffee Shop Right Now, Based on Appearance, with Star Ratings

Three Baristas:
Four stars for style, tattoos, knowledge of bean-based drinks, and friendliness-despite-being-baristas. Minus one star for all looking exactly like baristas. Three stars each.

Old Man Across From Me Wearing Flannel and a Beanie:
First, points for being here. And points for the hat. Looks like James Cromwell as Dr. Zefram. Works quietly on laptop entire time. Vague air of legitimate intellectualism. Suspicions of professorship at Duke. Three stars. 

Lady using Lenovo Laptop Covered with Political stickers:
Two stars for bipolarizing subject matter.
"Kennedy '80" = plus three stars for nostalgic/idealistic value
"Hillary '08" = minus same three stars for choosing sides poorly
Two stars.

Four People Sitting at Table Together:
Conversation seems businessy. I don't like that. All are also very interested in and earnest about this bussinessy conversation, as though here by choice and not obligation. I don't like that either. Plus one guy is wearing pink shirt with spread collar, but no one points and laughs. One star each.

Lady in the Chair by the Window.
I'm not entirely sure hair was combed this morning, but I straight up lost my comb on Tuesday so I'm going to give some latitude. However, glasses are bright green. Even if spare pair because less-ugly glasses were lost Tuesday, cannot forgive. Finally, Apple sticker on back of Apple macbook. Two stars.

Enormous Black Man Crammed Into Small Chair Using an iPad Mini:
This is exactly how I always wanted to imagine Biggie Smalls, had he lived to be a hip-(hop)-ster in a coffee shop, rather than a hip-hopper in the ground. Just... well done. Five stars.

Two Coworkers Who Might Read This and I've Already Spoken to: 
Thanks for probably not reading. But just in case, Five stars each. 

Guy I Thought was a Girl, and Sort of Cute:
You get four stars for looking that good, and minus-two stars for making me question my sexuality, however briefly. To retain all four stars, could do one or all of the following: Cut hair, grow beard, wear sign. Two Stars.

Girl in Corner:
Well put together. Using laptop in-lap. Wait, just got up to get something - is wearing running tights to not run in. Also keeps scanning room with eyes. May be writing a competing entry on her own blog. I dislike that possibility. Two stars. 

Guy with Immaculate Beard and Air of Creativity who Somehow Pulls Off Manliness, Stylishness, and Ruggedness all at Once:
Me. Five stars.